Friday, February 10, 2012

One word that changes.....Me

Kennedy came home with no side effects from the jaundice praise God but I was 
more beat down than ever! I came to realize that I was not the same. Everyday 
was a challenge dealing with my emotions while trying to care for my three 
children. Let me say it was hard! Staying up nights breast feeding then staying 
up all day with two toddlers while taking care of everything else was difficult. 
There were days I didn't think I could do it but I never let on! I just kept 
going never letting anyone know how I was feeling. I was still really hurt from
my time at the hospital and isolated myself even more. I coasted along 
never really telling anyone how I felt. I know a lot of things suffered because 
of it. I wasn't the mother I should have been, I wasn't the wife I should have 
been, I wasn't the daughter or friend I should have been. I was in denial! I 
couldn't even admit to myself that anything was wrong much less talk about it. I 
was in denial about my dads sickness even though I saw him going through chemo 
and all the side effects it brought. I was in denial even though things were 
totally different and we no longer had those close fun family times with my 
parents. I was in denial even though there were days I would cry for no reason. 
I was in denial that my dad really had cancer and would never be the same! I 
can't really say I remember a lot of the next year. It all seems like a fog. I 
do recall it seemed like every holiday or special occasion my dad seemed not to 
feel well because of the chemo. Even if he was at an event he wasn't really 

I often felt bad that Kennedy would never know her real papa only sick papa and 
how much precious wonderful family time, events and vacations she would never 
get to have with my parents. I often wondered if Kyleigh and Kyndal felt as 
abandoned as I did by not having the relationship with them they once knew. I 
hurt for my kids and so wished I could change this bad hand they were dealt! I 
continued to struggle even a year later to deal with all this. Those post 
pregnancy hormones were still crazy along with all my emotions. I would wake up 
feeling like I never went to bed, fall asleep sitting up during the day and go 
to bed early. This pattern continued for some time and I just couldn't seem to 
snap it. I wanted to tell my ob gyn at my next appointment but I didn't say a 
word. I just sat there pretending all was great while inside I was screaming 
help me. Why we fool ourselves into thinking we need to be perfect I will never
know! Guess what no one is perfect! But we still had our flaws as best we can 
and never let others know we have problems too. What would be best is if we 
just opened up  because believe it or not the person you tell probably can 
relate. We also need to learn to except help! Hard I know because that means
we cant handle everything and need help along the way but admit it, it's true! 

I wasn't as good a mom or wife I once was. I let things go around the house. 
Neglecting the housework but mostly neglecting me! I was impatient with my kids 
and husband. I didn't feel up to playing with them like I wanted to. I was upset 
with my husband for not being supportive or helping me get through this when I 
never gave him a chance. I never opened up and told him what I was dealing with 
yet I expected him to know and help me! I neglected myself big time and I really 
suffered for it! I was given a blessing of another baby girl and one year later 
I still couldn't celebrate it! That one word changed me!

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