Sunday, January 29, 2012

One word that changes.....welcoming baby number three

July 17, 2008 I'm in labor! Wait it cant be my daddy just had another surgery 
the day before and is still recuperating! the birth of your baby should be a 
celebration but how could I celebrate knowing my dad just had surgery and was a 
couple floors up at the hospital? Emotions galore! Happiness because my baby is 
coming, anxiety because my daddy's surgery, sadness because my mom and dad won't 
be there for her birth, upset because my mom wont be staying with me that 
difficult first week home with baby like she did with the first two then the 
biggie guilt! How could I be upset or sad when my mom and dad were going through 
so much! So much guilt about how I couldn't celebrate this new life God blessed 
me with the way I should! 
my dad visiting Kennedy
Then there was Kennedy! Beautiful wonderful perfect baby that brought me 
happiness and hope! We went home from the hospital with no complications tending 
to life with three but still feeling a hole like something was missing. I missed 
my mom and her support. I missed not seeing my parents and sharing these special 
moments together. I missed not being able to visit my dad in the hospital. 
Looking at that sweet baby face made me happy and sad all in one! We had a one 
week follow up routine doctors appointment for Kennedy. Just a routine day was 
what I needed but it didn't end up that way. The doctor visit went okay but we 
were told Kennedy was a bit jaundiced. We went home with even more roller 
coaster of emotions. Several hours later I got a call I never expected. It was 
the doctor telling me to take my perfect baby to Vanderbilt children's hospital 
because her jaundice level was dangerously high. There was no sense of urgency 
in the doctors voice, no details and from all I knew jaundice was no big deal.

Here i am with my newborn headed to the hospital while my dad is still in 
another hospital. Not sure my body will hold up to all this emotion bubbling 
inside. How much longer can I pull this off? I'm still poised as I walk into the 
emergency room embracing my newborn. Until the receptionist starts yelling "the 
baby's here, the baby's here" and a team of 15-20 doctors and nurses snatch her 
from my arms running to a prepared room. I was not prepared for this or what 
happened in the hours that followed. My baby was screaming, red and hungry as 
multiple people poked her over and over in attempt to start an iv. All failed 
due to her dehydration and collapsed veins. The more times and areas they 
pricked the more she would scream. I sat and watched feeling depleted and 
helpless. Heartbroken for my baby and overwhelmed I sank in my chair and sobbed. 
As she would scream her oxygen level got lower and lower until they had to put 
her on oxygen. As I looked at my pitiful baby a doctor with not much bedside 
manner turned to me and said "it appears more is wrong because we can't get her 
stable. With this level of jaundice brain damage is likely". Then she turns and 
walks away. At this point they may as well put me in the hospital too!