July 17, 2008 I'm in labor! Wait it cant be my daddy just had another surgery the day before and is still recuperating! the birth of your baby should be a celebration but how could I celebrate knowing my dad just had surgery and was a couple floors up at the hospital? Emotions galore! Happiness because my baby is coming, anxiety because my daddy's surgery, sadness because my mom and dad won't be there for her birth, upset because my mom wont be staying with me that difficult first week home with baby like she did with the first two then the biggie guilt! How could I be upset or sad when my mom and dad were going through so much! So much guilt about how I couldn't celebrate this new life God blessed me with the way I should!
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| my dad visiting Kennedy |
Then there was Kennedy! Beautiful wonderful perfect baby that brought me happiness and hope! We went home from the hospital with no complications tending to life with three but still feeling a hole like something was missing. I missed my mom and her support. I missed not seeing my parents and sharing these special moments together. I missed not being able to visit my dad in the hospital. Looking at that sweet baby face made me happy and sad all in one! We had a one week follow up routine doctors appointment for Kennedy. Just a routine day was what I needed but it didn't end up that way. The doctor visit went okay but we were told Kennedy was a bit jaundiced. We went home with even more roller coaster of emotions. Several hours later I got a call I never expected. It was the doctor telling me to take my perfect baby to Vanderbilt children's hospital because her jaundice level was dangerously high. There was no sense of urgency in the doctors voice, no details and from all I knew jaundice was no big deal.
Here i am with my newborn headed to the hospital while my dad is still in another hospital. Not sure my body will hold up to all this emotion bubbling inside. How much longer can I pull this off? I'm still poised as I walk into the emergency room embracing my newborn. Until the receptionist starts yelling "the baby's here, the baby's here" and a team of 15-20 doctors and nurses snatch her from my arms running to a prepared room. I was not prepared for this or what happened in the hours that followed. My baby was screaming, red and hungry as multiple people poked her over and over in attempt to start an iv. All failed due to her dehydration and collapsed veins. The more times and areas they pricked the more she would scream. I sat and watched feeling depleted and helpless. Heartbroken for my baby and overwhelmed I sank in my chair and sobbed. As she would scream her oxygen level got lower and lower until they had to put her on oxygen. As I looked at my pitiful baby a doctor with not much bedside manner turned to me and said "it appears more is wrong because we can't get her stable. With this level of jaundice brain damage is likely". Then she turns and walks away. At this point they may as well put me in the hospital too!
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| Kennedy 1 week |
The next week was awful as I stayed by my baby's bedside incubator in the PICU. Here even more emotions overcame my body. I felt abandoned! Abandoned by my friends, my family and my church! I was alone day and night sitting with my perfect baby I feared to not be the same ever again! My husband had to stay with our older children though I knew he wanted to be there with us more than his brief visits. Only one person visited me and each day seemed long and lonely! I became angry and bitter. Why did my friends not come support me? Why did no one from our church come pray with me? I knew my mom would be there with me but she couldn't because my dad in a different hospital and that hurt me so much. This was supposed to be a time of happiness and celebration and here I was feeling lonely, abandoned, sad, angry, guilty and at times a mixture of them all. Not at all how I envisioned the start of this new life. That one word changed everything even welcoming baby number three!
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