One word that changed....Our life

By now I realized I had the baby blues and was really good at hiding my emotions. 

I did have good days, months and times for sure and those good days were out 

numbering the bad ones. I would take time for myself some and feel better! I 
over compensated trying to be super mom and super wife and do everything possible 

to make my family happy! I wanted to make sure they had the best birthdays, 

holidays, presents, clothes, ect. I over did myself many times so everyone would 

think I had it all together. I tried extra hard to give my kids everything they 

wanted but I never could give them what I know we all wanted which was that

family bond we knew before cancer changed everything. 

October 2009 we took another hit. We found out the cancer had spread! That is 
what we lived everyday in fear of. That is what I never let myself believe would 
happen. That is what made us anxiously await scan results. So cancer was now in 
my dads liver and another surgery on October 28, 2009. Let's just say it all 
went downhill again. The holidays were somber and not the same. This was the 
first year Kennedy really was old enough to enjoy the holidays and here we are 
again with my dad having surgery. The kids dressed up for Halloween not to trick 
or treat but to go see papa in the hospital.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were 
saddened by his sickness. 

Trick or Treat

Now I really began to realize that my daddy would never be the same. I hurt so 
bad for my mom as she really struggled to be strong through all this while 
caring for him. I hurt for my kids they would never have a normal grandparent 
relationship. Surgery and chemo kept my mom and dad consumed  and either at home 
or at the hospital/doctor. We visited but not near what I wanted. I felt like we 
were in the way and the kids didn't understand what was going on with papa. I 
struggled with what to tell them. And really never told them more than he is 
sick. How do you explain cancer to young kids? How do you explain why they can 
no longer have sleep overs at their grandparents house? 

So I really feel like most of 2010 went well around chemo. Of course there were 
still down times but I remember good times!  I had pushed my pain far inside.

It was still in there but we were having good times again so I didn't think 

about it as much. We took several mountain trips with my parents that my 

children and i cherished. Then it all crashed shortly before Christmas 2010 when 

we found out the cancer returned Again! My dad spent new years in the hospital 

for yet again another liver surgery preformed on December 30, 2010 to remove more 

cancer! My emotions were still a crazy roller coaster of sadness, anger, guilt, 

loneliness, happiness, ect. I still held it all in really well and learned to 

function fairly well despite all this. By now I had learned to lean more on God 

and prayers than before and that helped me.  But I still wasn't me all because 

that one word changed our life!