Sunday, February 12, 2012

One word changed.....the future

In 2011 we found out the cancer had returned in the liver for the third time. 
This time in two spots on opposite sides of the liver and deemed inoperable! So 
chemo began and seemed to be going well. We had a better holiday though my dad 
continued to have very sick times among the good days. I was just happy there 
were good days! Scans showed positive signs chemo was working so they decided to 
go ahead with surgery to remove the areas on the liver as they were now inactive 
cancer. My dad went in for surgery on Jan 18, 2012. He believed this was the 
answer and end of this journey with cancer. I think we all had a fear but really 
wanted him to be cancer free! So he went back at 10:30 and we sat waiting for 
the good news. At 3pm the surgeon called us back to hear the words we feared! 
When he got in he found cancer throughout my dads stomach and spleen! He was not 
able to do the liver surgery at all. This news devastated us and out we marched 
to wait some more while the plastic surgeon tried to fix his wound that had 
never healed from surgery years ago. We sat defeated in the waiting room. I 
didn't know what to say or do. How could this be? Was it real? Can the cancer 
really have taken over and won this battle? I feel so bad for my mom but I can't 
do anything and I feel so helpless! My dad came out finally a little before 5pm 
and no one could still see him for a few hours while he was in recovery. At 7pm 
they allowed my mom back to see him. I know she was nervous about him finding 
out the results and I can only imagine his reaction. She doesn't tell me much 
about that side of things. I know she doesn't want me to hurt and she is very 
strong but even she needs a shoulder at times. I really look up to her! She is 
an amazing woman with so much strength. I'm daily amazed at my dad and how 
strong he is! I'm not sure I would be able to endure what he has these past 
years! Heck I can hardly endure watching from the sidelines! Like I said before 
my parents are amazing! They possess such strength, love and spirit and I am so 
blessed to have them in my life! My parents are an inspiration!

So now i really fear of losing my dad. I fear for my kids and how they will 
deal. I fear what the future holds for him and how sick he will be. I fear for 
my mom and how she will hold up in what comes. I am saddened this word has taken 
over our life. I am saddened that this word has changed everything. I am 
saddened that Kennedy's whole life this is all she's known of papa.  I'm scared 
how I will hold up. I'm scared of explaining what's happening to my kids.  So 
this is the first time i bring up the word that changed everything to my kids. 
And how they reply is my fear. Mommy what's cancer? Mommy why hasn't God made 
papa better we've been praying for him for a long time? These questions I don't 
know how to answer but really wish I knew the answers myself! In the works of  
getting a book for the girls to help explain this disease, more to come on that!

What have i learned in the last four years? A lot about myself, a lot about life 
and a lot about God! No matter what we go through God will get us through. I 
have prayed a lot and grown a lot and leaned on God to get me through. I know im 
blessed! Blessed with an amazing husband who stands by me and makes me smile! 
Blessed with three beautiful, smart, silly, healthy girls that make my heart 
smile! Blessed to get past that really bad year I had personally. Blessed with 
Stanford and the new friends it brought into my life who really helped me even 
though they didnt even know it! Blessed with family and time together! Although 
we don't know what the future holds I am choosing today to have happiness, joy
and Hope (thanks Pamela for this inspiration!) I will trust in God and hold my 
family close!  I will cherish my friendships and hopefully help them grow 
stronger. We never know when our last day will be. We will all have an end to our
story and never can be totally prepared. I know I will Do my best to cherish 
everyday and every moment. I will tell my family I love them often and hug them 
tight. I will slow down and pay attention to things that are really important. 
I will trust in God. One word changes everything but how we choose to react 
changes even more!

No comments:

Post a Comment