In 2011 we found out the cancer had returned in the liver for the third time. This time in two spots on opposite sides of the liver and deemed inoperable! So chemo began and seemed to be going well. We had a better holiday though my dad continued to have very sick times among the good days. I was just happy there were good days! Scans showed positive signs chemo was working so they decided to go ahead with surgery to remove the areas on the liver as they were now inactive cancer. My dad went in for surgery on Jan 18, 2012. He believed this was the answer and end of this journey with cancer. I think we all had a fear but really wanted him to be cancer free! So he went back at 10:30 and we sat waiting for the good news. At 3pm the surgeon called us back to hear the words we feared! When he got in he found cancer throughout my dads stomach and spleen! He was not able to do the liver surgery at all. This news devastated us and out we marched to wait some more while the plastic surgeon tried to fix his wound that had never healed from surgery years ago. We sat defeated in the waiting room. I didn't know what to say or do. How could this be? Was it real? Can the cancer really have taken over and won this battle? I feel so bad for my mom but I can't do anything and I feel so helpless! My dad came out finally a little before 5pm and no one could still see him for a few hours while he was in recovery. At 7pm they allowed my mom back to see him. I know she was nervous about him finding out the results and I can only imagine his reaction. She doesn't tell me much about that side of things. I know she doesn't want me to hurt and she is very strong but even she needs a shoulder at times. I really look up to her! She is an amazing woman with so much strength. I'm daily amazed at my dad and how strong he is! I'm not sure I would be able to endure what he has these past years! Heck I can hardly endure watching from the sidelines! Like I said before my parents are amazing! They possess such strength, love and spirit and I am so blessed to have them in my life! My parents are an inspiration! So now i really fear of losing my dad. I fear for my kids and how they will deal. I fear what the future holds for him and how sick he will be. I fear for my mom and how she will hold up in what comes. I am saddened this word has taken over our life. I am saddened that this word has changed everything. I am saddened that Kennedy's whole life this is all she's known of papa. I'm scared how I will hold up. I'm scared of explaining what's happening to my kids. So this is the first time i bring up the word that changed everything to my kids. And how they reply is my fear. Mommy what's cancer? Mommy why hasn't God made papa better we've been praying for him for a long time? These questions I don't know how to answer but really wish I knew the answers myself! In the works of
getting a book for the girls to help explain this disease, more to come on that! What have i learned in the last four years? A lot about myself, a lot about life and a lot about God! No matter what we go through God will get us through. I have prayed a lot and grown a lot and leaned on God to get me through. I know im blessed! Blessed with an amazing husband who stands by me and makes me smile! Blessed with three beautiful, smart, silly, healthy girls that make my heart smile! Blessed to get past that really bad year I had personally. Blessed with
Stanford and the new friends it brought into my life who really helped me even
though they didnt even know it! Blessed with family and time together! Although
we don't know what the future holds I am choosing today to have happiness, joy
and Hope (thanks Pamela for this inspiration!) I will trust in God and hold my
family close! I will cherish my friendships and hopefully help them grow
stronger. We never know when our last day will be. We will all have an end to our
story and never can be totally prepared. I know I will Do my best to cherish
everyday and every moment. I will tell my family I love them often and hug them
tight. I will slow down and pay attention to things that are really important.
I will trust in God. One word changes everything but how we choose to react
changes even more!
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