One word that changes.....Me

Kennedy came home with no side effects from the jaundice praise God but I was 
more beat down than ever! I came to realize that I was not the same. Everyday 
was a challenge dealing with my emotions while trying to care for my three 
children. Let me say it was hard! Staying up nights breast feeding then staying 
up all day with two toddlers while taking care of everything else was difficult. 
There were days I didn't think I could do it but I never let on! I just kept 
going never letting anyone know how I was feeling. I was still really hurt from

my time at the hospital and isolated myself even more. I coasted along 
never really telling anyone how I felt. I know a lot of things suffered because 
of it. I wasn't the mother I should have been, I wasn't the wife I should have 
been, I wasn't the daughter or friend I should have been. I was in denial! I 
couldn't even admit to myself that anything was wrong much less talk about it. I 
was in denial about my dads sickness even though I saw him going through chemo 
and all the side effects it brought. I was in denial even though things were 
totally different and we no longer had those close fun family times with my 
parents. I was in denial even though there were days I would cry for no reason. 
I was in denial that my dad really had cancer and would never be the same! I 
can't really say I remember a lot of the next year. It all seems like a fog. I 
do recall it seemed like every holiday or special occasion my dad seemed not to 
feel well because of the chemo. Even if he was at an event he wasn't really 
there.

I often felt bad that Kennedy would never know her real papa only sick papa and 
how much precious wonderful family time, events and vacations she would never 
get to have with my parents. I often wondered if Kyleigh and Kyndal felt as 
abandoned as I did by not having the relationship with them they once knew. I 
hurt for my kids and so wished I could change this bad hand they were dealt! I 
continued to struggle even a year later to deal with all this. Those post 
pregnancy hormones were still crazy along with all my emotions. I would wake up 
feeling like I never went to bed, fall asleep sitting up during the day and go 
to bed early. This pattern continued for some time and I just couldn't seem to 
snap it. I wanted to tell my ob gyn at my next appointment but I didn't say a 
word. I just sat there pretending all was great while inside I was screaming 
help me. Why we fool ourselves into thinking we need to be perfect I will never

know! Guess what no one is perfect! But we still had our flaws as best we can 

and never let others know we have problems too. What would be best is if we 

just opened up  because believe it or not the person you tell probably can 

relate. We also need to learn to except help! Hard I know because that means

we cant handle everything and need help along the way but admit it, it's true! 

I wasn't as good a mom or wife I once was. I let things go around the house. 
Neglecting the housework but mostly neglecting me! I was impatient with my kids 
and husband. I didn't feel up to playing with them like I wanted to. I was upset 
with my husband for not being supportive or helping me get through this when I 
never gave him a chance. I never opened up and told him what I was dealing with 
yet I expected him to know and help me! I neglected myself big time and I really 

suffered for it! I was given a blessing of another baby girl and one year later 

I still couldn't celebrate it! That one word changed me!

One word that changes.....welcoming baby number three

July 17, 2008 I'm in labor! Wait it cant be my daddy just had another surgery 
the day before and is still recuperating! the birth of your baby should be a 
celebration but how could I celebrate knowing my dad just had surgery and was a 
couple floors up at the hospital? Emotions galore! Happiness because my baby is 
coming, anxiety because my daddy's surgery, sadness because my mom and dad won't 
be there for her birth, upset because my mom wont be staying with me that 
difficult first week home with baby like she did with the first two then the 
biggie guilt! How could I be upset or sad when my mom and dad were going through 
so much! So much guilt about how I couldn't celebrate this new life God blessed 
me with the way I should! 

my dad visiting Kennedy

Then there was Kennedy! Beautiful wonderful perfect baby that brought me 
happiness and hope! We went home from the hospital with no complications tending 
to life with three but still feeling a hole like something was missing. I missed 
my mom and her support. I missed not seeing my parents and sharing these special 
moments together. I missed not being able to visit my dad in the hospital. 
Looking at that sweet baby face made me happy and sad all in one! We had a one 
week follow up routine doctors appointment for Kennedy. Just a routine day was 
what I needed but it didn't end up that way. The doctor visit went okay but we 
were told Kennedy was a bit jaundiced. We went home with even more roller 
coaster of emotions. Several hours later I got a call I never expected. It was 
the doctor telling me to take my perfect baby to Vanderbilt children's hospital 
because her jaundice level was dangerously high. There was no sense of urgency 
in the doctors voice, no details and from all I knew jaundice was no big deal.

Here i am with my newborn headed to the hospital while my dad is still in 
another hospital. Not sure my body will hold up to all this emotion bubbling 
inside. How much longer can I pull this off? I'm still poised as I walk into the 
emergency room embracing my newborn. Until the receptionist starts yelling "the 
baby's here, the baby's here" and a team of 15-20 doctors and nurses snatch her 
from my arms running to a prepared room. I was not prepared for this or what 
happened in the hours that followed. My baby was screaming, red and hungry as 
multiple people poked her over and over in attempt to start an iv. All failed 
due to her dehydration and collapsed veins. The more times and areas they 
pricked the more she would scream. I sat and watched feeling depleted and 
helpless. Heartbroken for my baby and overwhelmed I sank in my chair and sobbed. 
As she would scream her oxygen level got lower and lower until they had to put 
her on oxygen. As I looked at my pitiful baby a doctor with not much bedside 
manner turned to me and said "it appears more is wrong because we can't get her 
stable. With this level of jaundice brain damage is likely". Then she turns and 
walks away. At this point they may as well put me in the hospital too! 

Kennedy 1 week

The next week was awful as I stayed by my baby's bedside incubator in the PICU. 
Here even more emotions overcame my body. I felt abandoned! Abandoned by my 
friends,  my family and my church! I was alone day and night sitting with my 
perfect baby I feared to not be the same ever again! My husband had to stay with 
our older children though I knew he wanted to be there with us more than his 
brief visits. Only one person visited me and each day seemed long and lonely! I 
became angry and bitter. Why did my friends not come support me? Why did no one 
from our church come pray with me? I knew my mom would be there with me but she 
couldn't because my dad in a different hospital and that hurt me so much. This 
was supposed to be a time of happiness and celebration and here I was feeling 
lonely, abandoned, sad, angry, guilty and at times a mixture of them all. Not at 
all how I envisioned the start of this new life. That one word changed 
everything even welcoming baby number three!